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There is always a project.

22 Oct

Or twelve.  I will never catch up.

Right now I have the following on the front burners:

Make the female child’s Halloween costume, finish painting the female child’s big girl bed and actually put it in her room, take about a zillion classes for work, clean my desk (still, always), rake the yard and mow and weed again before winter, clean the back porch, get cardboard out of the basement and burned, clean the laundry room (spiderwebs are taking over or this sort of thing would never make it to any burner of mine, let alone the front), buy pumpkins hopefully in time to carve them, go through the toys to donate the ones that are now too young for both kids (or I will never fit that aforementioned bed in the kids’ room), go through my clothes and make the hubs go through his (neither of us have had new clothing for like 3 years, funny what kids do to you), shop for new clothes (hello thrift stores!), get shoes for everyone, clean the ceiling fans, find somebody to replace our stupid furnace…

Oh good lord, it’s worse than I thought and I’m not even done with the list.  For somebody who can’t find the time to do dishes and laundry I think I’m in trouble.  And I have so many things on my back burner that will obviously not even be touched.

This just makes me wish I work full time so I have a reason to be in this pickle.

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Oct 25 Edit

I guess I got overwhelmed when I posted that, because I didn’t even get to the actual issue.  Before I had kids, my house was frequently messy.  I was often behind on getting things done because procrastinantion (or outright laziness) got in my way.  I was busy reading, or visiting friends, or traveling a little bit on the rare occasion I had the money and time all at once.  I lived how I wanted to live and the world be damned.

Now, I think about those days a lot.  More than I should.  I suspect that it’s a normal parent thing… missing the freedom to piss off on your own time, not having the constant and incessant demands of small children, being able to pee all by yourself.

But for the first time in my life I want a clean, organized, beautiful home.  I want things to be perfect for the kids, even as I realize that there is no such thing.  I don’t want to be finishing my daughter’s Halloween costume at 3am when she has to wear it to school at 5 hours later.  It all worked out, but that’s not the right way to do things.  It could have been a disaster.  I could have ruined the costume.  Maybe she would get over it in 10 minutes, or a day, or forget in 3 months that it ever happened.  But I wouldn’t.  I would never forget letting my child down, or forgive myself for it.

I just feel a lot like I’m teetering at the brink.  I plan and schedule and create the perfect calendar, but I don’t always pay attention to the appointments that are written on tomorrow’s date.  I worry over making the Christmas tree beautiful and bright enough to be seen from orbit, but I don’t get enough sleep and get crabby with the whole family.  I work my butt off “part time,” and end up blowing all that money on fast food that I don’t want my kids eating anyway and falling into patterns that aren’t healthy and make everyone’s lives miserable.

And when it comes down to it, there are a lot of nights like tonight.  I needed to do… everything on the above list except the costume.  And instead I sat down with my daughter after the baby went to bed and we made a heart out of tissue paper and glue to give to her cousin.  Maybe she forgot it in 10 minutes, or will forget tomorrow or a month from now.  But I won’t.

Every moment like that with my children makes all the sleep deprivation and missed appointments and chaos and worry and antidepressants worthwhile.  Because before, when I looked around my messy house everything was mine.  Mine mine mine mine.  Now, nothing is mine, and I don’t want it to be any other way.

I do still want to pee alone though.

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